anyone can fall apart, let's fall together
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2022.04.21 02:25


trigger warning: suicide )
duinemerwen: (Default)
2020.11.15 22:28 - quarterly plot update
Books
- Finished Harrow the Ninth, Poppy War, Dragon Republic, Thick as Thieves, Return of the Thief, & the Eye of the Labyrinth. Almost done the Lord of the Shadows. Due to start either The Immortal Prince or The First Law, depending on the weather. 

Insomnia
- last night I had to go to the couch and put Indiana Jones on to fall asleep; last week has been kind of a five-melatonin kind of week with gum surgery and the time of year, let's not even get started with the writer's block 

Sunday Campaign

We're fighting a demon tiger on a floating brothel. A wizard hit us all with a fireball, taking out Daffodil and Thannar. There's a hole in the ceiling! The boat, which was structurally weakened, gets a leak! Hull breaches on Deck 4! Water pouring in from every direction! Shivani says she'll reroll a muscle wizard if Daffodil the very elderly halfling trickster cleric eats it. But there's still an opportunity for the Actual Life Cleric to win the encounter MVP solid gold kewpie doll. 

Quote of the night, from Pudge, the NPC guard described as "lardy" which I did not realize was a real adjective until today: "It's all wizard bullshit anyways." Which was about right, cos none of our party is familiar with the arcane arts. Pudge was later smushed by a boulder budget. In the words of the gunsmith bard: "Pudge is now sludge." 

Also, today is his birthday. It occurs to me that he would have loved D&D, based on our shared early love for fantasy worlds, chaotic roleplay, and games. 

Tuesday Campaign
A few sessions ago the wizard/cleric went released a vampire from the basement of a Fishing Hut of Conspiracy. Now, we're spelunking into a culty dungeon, about to smack down a crystal minotaur, in pursuit of a vampire who's taken over the Isle of the Abbey. Coincidence? Sandra thinks not. 

Saturday Campaign
In a spectacular failure of a wisdom save i today responded in a discord chat to "you can't google me! just try it!" with "but your middle name is X." That was not the correct answer. The correct answer was silence or, better yet, having not known anyone's middle name at all from having undertaken a misguided quest to poorly background check people i only know online. The Sunday group agreed, and that there is not really a way to unfuck that fuck up, and that the best that can be done now is to hunker down and wait for things to blow over, which is just too optimistic a possibility. If I am lucky I will not get kicked from the group for my massive creepitude, which serves only to prove that I have learned nothing over the last eleven years. 

Today's Tarot Spread
Five Card Compass Spread

Past: The Star
Hope. Faith. Transformation. I bet you thought you were doing well, didn't you? Bet you thought you'd turned over a new leaf. 

Present: Queen of Swords
Psych, you're still a dick! Just because you can tell it like it is doesn't mean you ought to. 

Future: Emperor, reversed
Alright, so at this point your first instinct is to dig in your heels. Maybe don't do that, this time? 

Influences: Four of swords 
Go camp in the box of shame on the Rio map, but not so long that the Praetorian finds you and disintegrates you with its eye-beams. 

Potential: Ten of Wands, reversed
Everyone is sick of your shit, including you. Drop your pile of sticks, including the one clenched in your butt cheeks. 
duinemerwen: (is a tool)
2020.10.16 19:29 - -
So, the Saturday group was trash-talking HP and... well, I couldn't handle it, and I told them why - that it'd been our thing when he was alive. I wish I hadn't had to say it, I guess, but I wanted to make it clear that it went beyond it having a soft spot in my heart. It's one thing to hear random jack-offs on the internet talk shit about whatever, but I just couldn't handle defending it to makeshift internet friends, nor could I handle hearing about it.

It's weird, because I could watch that scene in Judge Dredd, I can handle it when people talk about fall damage, I can handle counselling people on r/suicidewatch. But I can't handle it when my friends talk shit about HP, I can't look at photos, I can't apparently even handle talking about it because after I posted on the discord I took a shower and cried. 

So that's out there, now, though I wish it weren't.
duinemerwen: (Default)
So I dreamed that I was riding the bus with you, and we were undercover agents of some type. I am afraid that one day I will stop dreaming about you, because it means that my mental image of family or self will finally have changed.

Then after that, I dreamed that I was in high school, but it was a blend of the CHPS/MGCI folks. The lockers were the ones near the back stairwell. I don't even remember which year that was supposed to be. Anyways, it was the week before prom, and people were all pairing up and I was (as I was IRL) dateless. So I asked Shivani - why was that? Was it because I was ugly? She said, of course not. But I didn't believe her. I mean, I'm fabulous now but back then I was not. It sucked. 

Got a new fish. He's shy. Still have an algae problem, but the golden coin anubias is putting out a new leaf right now, which is good. Hornwort's still growing like a weed though. I'm slowly moving the hygro to the back. Hoping the marsilea crenata fills out properly soon. Think I need to add some KH booster though (1 tsp baking soda/50L = +4dkH) because I'm seeing pinpricks in the hygro. Waiting for Angelfins to restock their AR mini. 


duinemerwen: (Default)
2019.09.20 12:26 - Pho with the Boss
So, I had lunch with my boss yesterday. At first I was all "oh shit, is this a CMD in disguise?" It wasn't. 

It's... unfortunate... that talking to my boss has been infinitely more helpful than talking to a therapist or anyone else, but generally there's not a lot of people at my age who had someone die relatively young. I used to think, when you grow up, your heart dies. But it's more like... when you grow up, people start dying, and there feels like less and less in the world, and there's less to feel about. Or maybe when you're young you don't have perspective and everything seems like the most ever, but then it's harder and harder to reach those peaks of feeling. 

I like being an adult. I like doing pretty much whatever I want to. I like having money. I'm happier now than I was as as a teenager. 

But I miss the feeling. I really miss the cartwheeling what ifs and why nots and secrets and, ah, I don't know. I miss the terrible rush of falling in love. I miss figuring out who I was and thinking it mattered. I miss it when everything mattered. 

I'm aware I'm romanticizing the past again and that "everything mattered" is a great way to stretch yourself to the brink. 

Anyways I'm gonna go back to work now and listen to super sad queer pop music. Which is incidentally like another thing that's sort of a thing right now. I've been with Justin for nearly five years, and while it doesn't technically have any impact on my identity it sure feels like my now is an override to my past. Like I'm not really queer or anything because I'm not in a visibly queer relationship. I know that my relationships of choice don't override my identity but... it makes me want to shave my head or something just to make a point, and I know that the shaved-head look is not a good one for me. And it also sucks because I wrote a Diversity & Inclusion nomination for the team last week and I ran out of words to talk about gender and sexual minorities in the nomination text. 

Ok that's it for the staring-at-bellybutton this month. 
duinemerwen: (fascinating horror)
2019.04.13 21:56 - Hexagon Oakville
 This week kind of sucked; someone at work made an off-hand remark on Thursday and that just led to dark parallels about death and death and death. At the end of it, I just wanted to not feel like I was the only one to feel that way... I want others to know how it feels too. 

I want them to know what to know what it feels like when one part of them knows that something has always been there and always will be there, and then another part knows that it is gone, and that those two parts can't be reconciled.

I want them to know what it feels like to dream that everything is alright, and wake up screaming in horror because it wasn't real.

I want them to know how it feels to catch a glimpse of something and remember something suddenly and go from fine to not fine in a blink, because it tears open another yet part of the wound that they thought had closed.

I want them to know how it feels to be afraid to go home because there is no going home anymore, real home doesn't exist anymore, and they can never go back and everything is tainted.

I want them to know how it feels to lie awake at night and recount all the things that they did wrong, again and again and again and again.

Does that sound like I want them to suffer? I guess it does. 

But it's not like I can roll and say, "well it didn't happen to you, how can you help me unless it happens to you too?" But when they talk I want to say "well that's fine for you, but that's not quite the same here" or "you are totally off base" but I can't say that because they mean well but then the distance just increases and I feel more alone.

The feeling has passed for now but it resurfaces now and then. 

I had dinner at Hexagon in Oakville today, the place you go when you don't wanna fight for a reservation at Alo. it was nice. Their bread was really good. We should have gone with our first instincts even if it meant going for the same thing for a course. Can't go wrong with a signature dish or three, like the octopus (charred to within an inch of its life), the duck, and the pinata (apple). I really liked the tartare (brussel sprouts, deep fried), agnolotti (brie-creamy), and black cod too, but Justin was not as big a fan. Foie gras was richer than I might have liked and could have used more bread/cracker to hold it. Black sesame dessert was intense but not really satisfying. Maybe should have had the rhubarb. Lots of stuff served on literal rocks. We will be back. 
duinemerwen: (butterfly of doomy dooms)
2019.03.13 10:09 - Hot water
I dreamed I saw you sleeping in bed, as if nothing had happened. You got up, brushed your teeth, and then we played a board game. You were wearing a fuzzy red sweater.  I looked to the side and she said, I see him too, he refilled the kettle earlier! I looked at you again and prayed you wouldn't disappear this time. But instead I woke up, and you were gone again. 

duinemerwen: (Default)
2019.03.06 11:56
 We all failed him and now our lives are the lesser for it. 
duinemerwen: (Default)
2019.02.01 08:21 - Dreaming again
I saw him in a dream again - younger somehow? I knew he was dead so I thought I would say goodbye, so I hugged him. The building had one room, which was brightly lit, made of smooth warm woods, like a longhouse/cabin.
duinemerwen: (Default)
Title says it all. The counsellor I've been seeing only works on short-term problems. And as far as I can tell, I'm just gonna end up going through life feeling like the world is terribly askew, where I'm the only one who can see that something is wrong, but I can't right it. When people ask how I feel or what they can do, but the only honest response would be to howl at the horror of it. 

The only response I've found helpful is what James said. He mentioned a fact relevant to him in passing, just out of nowhere, and then followed up with how it sucked that he was dead. That was nice. Made me feel like I wasn't the only who realized something was off about the world and that I was merely part of a folie a deux instead. 

Anyways, I don't have any more counselling ahead. 
duinemerwen: (Default)
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