So, I had lunch with my boss yesterday. At first I was all "oh shit, is this a CMD in disguise?" It wasn't. 

It's... unfortunate... that talking to my boss has been infinitely more helpful than talking to a therapist or anyone else, but generally there's not a lot of people at my age who had someone die relatively young. I used to think, when you grow up, your heart dies. But it's more like... when you grow up, people start dying, and there feels like less and less in the world, and there's less to feel about. Or maybe when you're young you don't have perspective and everything seems like the most ever, but then it's harder and harder to reach those peaks of feeling. 

I like being an adult. I like doing pretty much whatever I want to. I like having money. I'm happier now than I was as as a teenager. 

But I miss the feeling. I really miss the cartwheeling what ifs and why nots and secrets and, ah, I don't know. I miss the terrible rush of falling in love. I miss figuring out who I was and thinking it mattered. I miss it when everything mattered. 

I'm aware I'm romanticizing the past again and that "everything mattered" is a great way to stretch yourself to the brink. 

Anyways I'm gonna go back to work now and listen to super sad queer pop music. Which is incidentally like another thing that's sort of a thing right now. I've been with Justin for nearly five years, and while it doesn't technically have any impact on my identity it sure feels like my now is an override to my past. Like I'm not really queer or anything because I'm not in a visibly queer relationship. I know that my relationships of choice don't override my identity but... it makes me want to shave my head or something just to make a point, and I know that the shaved-head look is not a good one for me. And it also sucks because I wrote a Diversity & Inclusion nomination for the team last week and I ran out of words to talk about gender and sexual minorities in the nomination text. 

Ok that's it for the staring-at-bellybutton this month.