Fuck, I set some bad precedents.

There's a stupid joke with the punchline that jocks are obsessed with sports and nerds are obsessed with sex.

Eventually, sex gave way to alcohol, and alcohol gave way to video games, and now all of it is taking a backseat at how fucking AWFUL my academic life and how HOPELESS my job prospects are.

But jesus christ on a cracker nope the first thing she asks when she sees me today is "did you have sex" because she was drinking. What the fuck. How badly did I have to fuck up that she just sees me as a literal vagina on legs? Looking back I'm really upset about how I treated our friendship. But whatever. Too late. Never would have worked out anyways.

So anyways I'm pretty upset.

Also I went to the Pride Parade and made the following observations
1) Floats move too fukken slowly
2) I felt happy and pumped during it
3) Afterwards I felt a little annoyed that it was so commercial, but I guess GLB rights have advanced to the point where It's nice to be pandered to by big companies like everyone else. In contrast the Trans march (that trans rights bill that got shut down by the senate, anyone?) and the asexual contingent at the Pride Parade (pamphlets for everyone!) were quite political, because a) trans people receive more discrimination, and b) .

One more thing... being bi and dating a dude means I look straight about 99.9% of the time. I guess that's good, because I won't get lynched or have to ever come out to my parents. But there's really no outlet for being able to express my sexual identity within a monogamous relationship. It gets buried most of the time and only comes out as "well she's hot" but I don't think purple flags, physical relationships with other girls or threesomes would really cut it in expressing myself in that area. And I've never been in a romantic relationship with a woman, eh? So I guess what bothers me is that I might be bi, but I have nothing to show for it - not to myself, not to anyone.

And - while this means that, again, I won't get lynched, it feels that part of me is more intangible and more ephemeral and less real than other parts of me.

I don't understand why I feel it's important to express that part of myself when I'm happy in my relationship and don't have the emotional capacity for another one. I just know that I want to express it as I've expressed my heterosexual side, without giving the heterosexual part up or being a bad girlfriend again and stuff.

It's not even important most of the time.

Why can't I just enjoy things???