anyone can fall apart, let's fall together
November 3rd, 2021 
I thought this would be fun because it's been a while since I've done any blogging memes!

"Black is the Colour of my True Love's Hair" 



Now, we all know how much piano talent (not much, dude boy was better) and affection I had for the repertoire. Hated the Bach and 20th-century stuff. Sometimes liked the Beethoven, the romantic stuff, and the post-romantic stuff. But I didn't really connect to any of it. I don't know if it's because I just didn't have a real basis for enjoying or interpreting music, since my parents weren't big on music themselves, and I just got dunked in the RCM pool without getting to explore any other waters at all. Only heard other songs on the yellow school bus radio, at middle school dances, or in band class. Completed my Level 10 practical certs by the skin of my teeth, probably due to examiner pity.

But in addition to the big beige RCM repertoire books, I also remember a big hardback 1970 Reader's Digest Family Songbook that lived on top of the upright piano. It had a light green floral pattern on the cover and included such classics like "Shenandoah," "Blowin in the Wind," "Moon River," "Jalousie," "Greensleeves," "Yankee Doodle Dandy," and other selections from 'the canon.' In any case, they were a lot more accessible than frickin Bach. Most importantly, they were easy, and gave me opportunities to noodle around on the keyboard. 

Anyways, one of my favourites from the green book was "Black is the Colour of my True Love's Hair." The arrangement was simple, the melody was pretty, and it was precisely the palate cleanser I needed after practising my exam repertoire. 

I wish I'd pushed back on the teacher I had to learn the repertoire I thought was pretty rather than the ones she thought were easy. Probably would've ended up a better piano player if I'd cared about the songs I was learning. 

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23 - Jimmy Eat World


23 was five years ago for me. When I started writing this post, I thought fondly of being 23. I was getting into the swing of my master's degree. I'd been dating Justin for a year. I'd started learning to play D&D with Shivani's group. I thought, wow, 23 wasn't really that long ago, and I was certain I hadn't really changed since. Sure would nice to be 23 again, to be able to play D&D in person, not worry about all the projects I'm on at work, still be in contact with my peeps from undergrad. 

Then I checked my blog archives and realized that - no, 2016 was actually a shitshow. My thesis made me go to nervous bits on a weekly basis and I hadn't a clue how I was supposed to learn Python or write an academic paper or anything, honestly. I'm pretty sure I was breaking down in the university washroom biweekly. Most of all, I was afraid - I was afraid of losing my friends that I'd had in undergrad. I was afraid that at things would change forever and that I'd never find people to share my life with again. I was afraid of dying alone in a cardboard box on Yonge Street. 

The song 23 perfectly encapsulates that fear of losing friendships over time, and being afraid that you'd never be as happy as you were when you were young. But the proof is in the pudding blog entries. I'm happier than I was five years ago. I've made new friends along the way. I'm not dying alone in a cardboard box on Yonge Street. 

So, the lyrics of 23 ring true for me. I won't always love what I'll never have. I won't always live in my regrets. Every time I felt sure that "no one else will know that part of me," whether when I was 13 and afraid of losing my friends from elementary school, or 18 and still crushing on the first girl I'd fallen for, or 23 and trying to open up in a new relationship, I was wrong. 

All anyone can do is to be here and be ready

duinemerwen: (Default)
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