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Recent Entries 
2017.07.06 11:23 - The two body problem
I think it's gonna be harder to solve the non-academic case of the two-body problem than I thought but I'm pretty frustrated already. It's been nothing but a series of mostly-long-distance relationships since ~2013 and it's not even like it's that long of a distance, just 120km, but sitting in a car for 3 hours a day does nobody any favours. Sitting in a train for 4 hours a day is marginally better. But not good! Or we could move to Mississauga, a pothole, and be equally miserable. 

I want to adopt a cat. 

duinemerwen: (guh)
2016.01.27 01:17 - off the scale
I'm so stressed I want to cry. That's not the problem. The problem is that I'm stressed even though I don't even have that much on the plate...
- ongoing freight project work
- final edits on book review
- keep writing the thing for icity project. and the presentation. and prep for another meeting.
- deal with the website which is down. because the president forgot to pay up.

It's almost nothing. How did I even manage last term? Last term I was doing the IW stuff, grad apps, therapy, four courses, and 4ydp. If I was running the IW now I would be a roiling ball of despair. Not that I'm not a roiling ball of despair right now.

Other people have it so much worse. I have literally four things I need to do and I am losing it. What the hell is wrong with me?


duinemerwen: (guh)
2016.01.14 01:03 - Hello darkness my old friend
Today I bunked off going to school. I don't have class Tuesday and Wednesday but I told myself I'm supposed to go to campus to do stuff. But instead I'm having extreme difficulty trying to write this assfucking paper. In a better mood, it would be done already. Granted, I have two more weeks to do it but I'm really kinda busy. Everything sucks, I think I'm addicted to holiday bonbons, and 8 hours of sleep a day isn't doing it for me anymore. I should have picked an easy book like The Death and Life of Great American Cities instead of this fearmongering Luddite shit. Ugh. I have a meeting this morning and it's going to be frustrating. I want to curl up in a blanket and hug the stuffed cat. Tomorrow it's going to be cold.

On the list of things that aren't total shit: yesterday's photoshoot was good, Justin found someone to cover for him for Saturday, and Sandy is planning a party thing for the weekend of the 30th with Nia and anybody else who will show up, I get to see James tomorrow, and I found my tits on DeviantArt.

I guess things are fine but I think there is something wrong with my life, though as always I can't figure out what or how to fix this pervasive ineffectuality and impotency. I just don't want to DO anything. I'm just a few stress units away from
Being human totally sucks most of the time.
Videogames are the only thing that make life bearable.

-- Anorak’s Almanac, Chapter 91, Verses 1–2 (Ernest Kline, Ready Player One)

My god, I wish my relationship wasn't long distance, and I wish I could crawl back out of my ass with the motivation that's obviously stashed up there too. 
duinemerwen: (Ampersand)
2015.11.17 01:47 - I'm a lonely cat
Today, I feel emotionally unfulfilled and kind of drained.

On the plus side the MassMotion model is finally working, after I reorganized the dispatches and servers... on the downside I've been doing it on my partner's laptop, which is all in Chinese.

Also I need to buy a reversible fucking cast iron skillet. It's not that I have something against skillets, I'd just rather put my money towards the game skinning hoist. Or structural bamboo poles or something. But it's really hard to ship 10' bamboo poles.

And the UTSU is hosting an event called "Fuck your Bigotry" which really rubs me the wrong way, I don't know why.
duinemerwen: (Ampersand)
2015.11.15 20:34 - I ate a pear
My tripod is too fucking tall for indoor use. FML. 
duinemerwen: (Ampersand)
context: the biomech prof would like us to write 300 words on what we learned big-picture wise in biomech, and bring it into the final exam.

no title

Forget it. Argh. I can't deal with that right now. I thought I was ok but honestly I still have more issues than the Iron Warrior newspaper right now. And it was going so well. But now it's just arghhhhhhhhh. I tried other coping mechanisms on the list - taking a walk, talking it out with Mon, showering, changing clothes, eating, upbeat music, and downer music, but honestly i still feel like shit and it's all my fault. The problem is that I'm selfish and self-centred like Toronto is the centre of the universe. If I wasn't stupid like that I could let myself be happy. But nope. Nope.

Yknow what triggered it? Watching Gravity Falls. I watched it and thought about my unwillingness to commit and and how normal people let themselves be happy and know what's good for them, and meanwhile on Albert St...

So, Throwback Thursday Saturday Sunday  I'm going to do the 300 word statement on paper. And while I do it I'm going to watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and cry it all out until I can't anymore, or until I fall asleep. And if that doesn't work I'll put on My Best Friend's Wedding and 500 Days of Summer.

And if THAT doesnt do the trick I'll try Grave of the Fireflies, Requiem for a Dream,

Booyah. .
duinemerwen: (guh)
2015.04.12 03:45 - it's not you, it's me
angst again )
duinemerwen: (garrus)

Hyperbole and a half says this one best.


I don't think that I've actually ever been depressed. Likely, I'm just really not not resilient, can't deal with failure, and tend to crumble like a cookie when jostled.

Most of my motivation comes from having structure, or thinking to myself "THIS is what I know I am, so THAT is what I'm going to do."  e.g.

  • I'm the editor in chief. The editor in chief holds meetings and does not freak out. I will hold meetings and not freak out.

  • I am a good student. Good students do their homework and ace exams. I will do my homework and ace exams.

... And that's about it.

Other stuff it's... I don't know what I'm supposed to do or how to feel and my performance is all over the place.

I don't even wanna diagnose myself with BPD or anything. Diagnoses are for people with actual problems, not a case of "I don't feel comfortable with having all this stuff to do" or "earlier this week I broke down because I heard my brain say 'words, use your words, Nancy!' in that voice after mentally referring to something as a ding-dong" followed by "I think I'd rather kill myself than keep being sad but I probably won't because I can't figure out a way to do it painlessly, so I don't know why I'm telling myself this because I can't feel any sympathy for the predicament and anybody else certainly won't" after which one goes to a client meeting with the professor in charge of the fourth year project deliverables. He totally savaged our Phase 2 proposal, by the way.

Also, crap, they're doing apartment viewings today and I left a pile of laundry money change on the floor >.<

duinemerwen: (santana)
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